Welcome to The Groove Tube, a weekly recap of the highlights (and lowlights) of some of the scripted TV shows I'm watching (in order of preference):
Best Return of the Week Runner-Up: The fabulous Jackie Hoffman as David's mother Frances.
Best Guest Star of the Week Honorable Mention: Barry Bostwick as David's father Marty.
Snarkiest Line Runner-Up: “It’s a girls and gays Thanksgiving - we can have turkey and watch movies where guys pretend to be attracted to Rachel McAdams” - Bryan
Snarkiest Line: “But no matter how many times I try to forgive and forget you always disappoint me, again and again" - David
"Just like Renee Zellweger!” - Bryan
Best Name of the Week: Shania named one of her turkeys "Feather Locklear".
Best Answer of the Week: “How did you go from Bette Midler to Philadelphia?” - David
“Bette Midler was in Beaches” - Marty
“With Barbara Hershey” - Frances
“Hershey. Hershey, Pennsylvania!” - Marty
Grade: A+ (this was one of the best and funniest episodes of the series so far)
Best Bad Seed of the Week: Evil little Jenny whose mother left her at Briarcliff after she killed her friend.
Best Psycho of the Week: Dr. Thredson, who - having grown up in an orphanage - has some major mother issues.
Best Actor of the Week: Zachary Quinto as Thredson.
Most Disturbing Death of the Week: Monsignor Howard turned out to be not such a nice guy when he choked poor Shelley to death in the hospital.
Best Retro Song of the Week: Lesley Gore's 1963 hit, "You Don't Own Me", was heard as Sister Mary Eunice tried on Sister Jude's red lingerie.
Best Guest Star, Best Bitch and Worst Mother of the Week: Adrienne Barbeau as Marion, Victoria's estranged mother from hell.
Best New Character of the Week: Nolan's ex-lover Marco who broke up with him back in 2006. Here's hoping a bisexual love triangle develops between Marco, Nolan and Padma in the present day.
Best Return of the Week: Jack's dog Sammy, who was still alive in the 2006 flashback.
Worst Storyline of the Week: I don't care about the nasty Ryan brothers in 2012 or their nasty father who was killed back in 2006.
Grade: B (it was an okay flashback episode, but I loved Ms. Barbeau)
Best Guest Star of the Week Runner-Up: Barbara Hershey as Regina's evil mother Cora.
Best Reunion of the Week: Charming and Snow were briefly reunited in the fiery room during his sleeping curse.
Hottest Hunk of the Week Runner-Up: Colin O'Donoghue as Captain Hook.
Worst Interrogations of the Week: A tie between Merle, who beat up poor Glenn and then left him alone in a room with a loose walker, and the creepy Governor, who forced Maggie to remove her shirt and bra and threatened to rape her.
Grade: B (Not the most exciting episode - Andrea's storyline with the dying man was dull)
Best Superhero of the Week: Becky's Queen Bee who "can sting like a bitch".
Weirdest Club of the Week: Do most high schools have a superhero club nowadays?
Worst Return of the Week: Sebastian and the Warblers - I have not missed them at all.
Most Boring Storyline of the Week: Ryder can't read because he is dyslexic. Yes, this is a serious issue, but it's not very interesting to watch.
Most Embarrassing Cameo of the Week: Jake called his half-brother Puck for advice, and we had see the former stud working as a street performer outside of Grauman's Chinese Theatre (actor Mark Salling deserves better than this).
Best Love Triangle of the Week: When Ryder postponed his date with Marley, she decided to go out with Jake. Lucky girl!
Best Musical Performance: The only song I liked was Kitty and Marley's duet of Bonnie Tyler's 1984 song, "Holding Out for a Hero".
Grade: D+ (a disappointing episode with a dumb superhero theme. I missed Kurt and Rachel, while the Warblers need to disappear forever)
Hottest Hunk of the Week: 44-year-old Grant Bowler was pretty good as "Dick" Burton. I've liked the handsome New Zealand-born actor ever since he played Vanessa Williams' lover on Ugly Betty.
Best Retro Song of the Week Runner-Up: Dean Martin's 1960 recording of "Just in Time" during the opening credits.
Worst Actress of the Week: Putting on dark eyeliner and a wig does not an actress make. Lindsay Lohan should NEVER have been cast as Elizabeth Taylor.
Grade: D+ (this dull TV film would have been better with a different actress as Liz - and a better screenplay. The ending was much too rushed, and too many things were skipped over, including Liz and Dick's 1970 appearance on Here's Lucy and their 1983 Broadway run in Private Lives)